the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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