I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
