some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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