and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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