Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
