Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize