You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This baby is an asshole
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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