kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
