Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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