I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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