i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
