Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
