Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
