I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
