It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize