Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
