The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
