today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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