I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
