I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
