i already hear my dad disowning me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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