I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
