His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
