Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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