Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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