I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
