Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
