We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
