Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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