Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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