My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
