I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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