I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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