i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
