wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
