ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
