tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
