She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
