I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
