In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
