I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
