a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
