My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
