Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
