Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
