just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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