Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
