omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
