Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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