your thong is hanging out like whoa
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
