Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
