I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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