I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
