dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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