I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
