hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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