I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
