The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Randomize