just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
