im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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