you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize