hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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